Katie SwiftPHOTOGRAPHER

All the pretty dresses…

When I was a little girl I did not have a daddy.

I did not get spun or twirled and when I put on my pretty dresses I had no one to show them to.

Now I am all grown up with a daughter of my own.

And she has a daddy. And a lot of dresses.

And it is overwhelming my heart to see the way he loves her and the way she needs him.

 I am beginning to see what I’ve been missing.

I am finally able to truly grieve the loss of something I never had.

And I am finding that although my father left, my need for him never did.

My need for him still is.

All my life I have felt this need and have mistaken it for neediness and weakness.

 I have felt ashamed of this deep longing I have inside of me because it has been like a thirst that cannot be quenched.

It has felt desperate.  And I have thought that I needed deliverance from it.

But when I see my daughter look up at her daddy-

when I see her waiting for him to look at her-

I see myself.

And I see my need.

And I see that it is my deliverance.

When I was a little girl I did not have a daddy.

I did not get spun or twirled and when I put on my pretty dresses I had no one to show them to.

Or maybe I did…

maybe I do…

Posted in Faith, Fatherless, Growing up, Healing, I am Woman, Parenthood

When Morning Comes

My husband and I have a beautiful story of how we met and fell in love and eventually- very swiftly, got married.

It’s the kind of story that makes movies.

But I am not going to tell it today.

Because the longer I am married, the more I realize that almost everyone has a beautiful story.

And really what makes a marriage last is not the beginning but the middle.

Almost 6 years and three kids later we are no longer newlyweds.

The honeymoon is over and we are living our lives together.

Most days we don’t really get to talk unless we hire a babysitter or the kids are asleep.

And we are tired. Always tired.

Now, if we were a movie than the song “you’ve lost that loving feeling” might be playing in the background.

I can just see it- us in our bed, me with my m & m’s and a book, and Josh next to me “reading” with sleeping eyes.

If we were a movie than you might get bored watching us. And you might think we have lost something.

My husband wrote a song years ago that plays like a loop in my head.

when morning comes I’ll find you lying next to me

your heart and mine will be together, you and me

I won’t go back to the things that kept me from you

I can’t explain how you want to be mine forever

you took my life turned it around now I won’t ever leave you

don’t you leave me…

oh no I’m never gonna leave you…

oh no I’m never gonna leave you...

 We definitely don’t get as many date nights as we should.

And I definitely don’t take as many trips to Victoria’s as my husband would like.

Honestly, maybe we have lost that loving feeling.

But the feeling is not the story. The feeling is just a movie.

And the problem with a movie is that it always ends right where it should begin.

My husband and I have a beautiful story.

It begins over and over again, each day.

when morning comes I’ll find you lying next to me…

And it ends the same each night.

oh no I’m never gonna leave you…

Posted in Marriage

Mow the lawn.

Last thursday morning I was talking to my mom about all my plans and visions and great ideas.

I have a new one about each week.

I want to change the world and minister to all the people,

And apparently, my mom does too.

She told me something that just might change the world.

Or at the very least, my world.

“Katie, you just need to stop. Take some time and just be before God. Take some time to listen.

And so of course, I told her, like I always do,

“I know mom…and I kept talking and talking and talking about how I am trying so hard to listen.

Later that day when my husband got home from work I told him that I was going to take some time just listening to God.

He said with a playful hope in his voice,

“you know what always helps me listen to God? Mowing the lawn…”

I’m 27 years old and last Thursday was the first time I’ve ever touched a lawn mower in my life.

But my husband was right. It worked.

I mowed. God spoke.

And really He just told me that mowing the lawn is beautiful.

And much like the heart of Jesus.

It’s the kind of job that rich people pay other people to do.

It’s the kind of job, along with cleaning the house and making meals that I have always dreamed of paying somebody to do someday.

So when we make it big we can spend more time on the things that really matter.

I kept mowing. God kept speaking.

And the grass was making my shoes turn green.

And I thought of Jesus.

The son of God. He could of been so cool. He could’ve been so famous.

He could’ve been so appealing. He could’ve payed someone to mow the lawn.

I want so badly to do all these great and important things for the Kingdom of God, for the world.

But there is never enough time…or enough money…or enough energy once the kids are in bed.

Every week the grass grows and the dandelions grow even faster. And my husband is tired when he gets home from work.

Maybe I can start by mowing the lawn…

Posted in Faith, Marriage, Musings, Simplicity

Get the kiss…

My kids get hurt everyday.

And they cry very loudly.

They cry for their mommy and they cry for their daddy.

Then they demand that we kiss it and make it all better.

I am always amazed at the power of the kiss.

We never grow out of pain.

But many of us are taught they we are supposed to grow out of feeling it.

That we are supposed to be able to “deal” with it.

So we put on addictions like band aids.

We cover up and numb the pain and then we die.

I know that heaven is supposed to be a place where we no longer feel any pain.

That everything will be all golden and bright and beautiful.

But there are some people I know who have lost their lives tragically running from the pain.

And I  wonder if for those people heaven might be the place where they can finally stop.

And I can just see them now.

Ragged, out of breath and staggering in.

The heavenly gates wide open like the arms of a father beckoning his child to come.

And cry.

And get the kiss.

Posted in Faith, Grief, Healing

Night driving…

Sometimes trusting God is like night driving.


Moving through the darkness.

Trying to make out the signs.

With just enough light to see the road that’s before me.

Posted in Faith, Musings

How to fly

Don’t ever tell me I can’t do something.

Unless you’re God. Or a police officer.

Posted in Just for Fun, Musings

But now I see…

“If you judge people you have no time to love them.” -Mother Teresa


Grace begins in the mirror.

Posted in Faith, Musings

To Ohio with love.

Our backyard is like a desert wasteland (minus the warmth and sunshine).

I look out the kitchen window and expect to see a tumbleweed blowing by.

 It’s a big yard but we have no trees, no patio.

We have a florida room made of aluminum that does not make me feel like I’m in Florida.

A chainlink fence warped up at the bottom that will not keep your dog from running away.

A blue, plastic baby pool, some broken adirondack chairs, and toys litter the dead grass lawn.

A teddy bear that got left out in the rain, Savannah’s plastic shopping cart turned on it’s side, a big pink ball,

and a stroller with a naked Dora doll stuffed awkwardly in it.

If we lived in a trailer park we would fit in just fine.

Honestly I don’t even mind being that neighbor, but I do feel some mom guilt when I tell the kids to go outside and play.

 Like they are so deprived because they don’t have their own personal cedar stained playground

or a huge trampoline to bounce on or some other great invention that costs us parents loads of money.

Like our wasteland backyard is a symbol of my neglect.

My poor children who are forced to “go play” where they have nothing fun to play with.

Or maybe not.

Maybe there’s a lot to discover.

Here’s what I found in my backyard (in the tacky baby pool):

It’s almost April and it’s snowing. I’m ready for spring.

I’m ready for sunshine and thunderstorms, cut-offs and bare feet.

I’m ready to go play!

But today I’ve been given an ice heart in a baby pool.

And I’m sending it on to you Ohio, with love.

Posted in Parenthood, Simplicity

The Ride

Sometimes the best way to describe parenting is through the children themselves.

My son Jonah, for example just has a knack for expressing the Monday Morning Grumpies.

No amount of reasoning, sweet talk or bribery can cure the grumpies.

My son David shows the best way to react to these situations.

Everyday I ask God to help me be a good mother.

To show me what that even means.

Sometimes the answers are right in front of me (even if they are a little blurry).


I can complicate things so much in my mind.

I always have lists and lists of things that must get done.

But the longer I am a parent the more I am clinging to the good old fashioned serenity prayer.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

The wisdom of God usually comes to me in a whisper. And most often in this season of crazy busy life that I am in, it tells me to

Stop.

And really look around me. And really see my kids.

And have fun.

Even if it means dirty windows.

It’s not always easy. Actually it NEVER is.

But surrender is not passive. It is not weak. And it knows how to fight.

And it is saving my life by letting me actually live it- one day at a time.

And today, I am enjoying the ride.

Posted in Parenthood

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