‘Tis the season for gift giving! For someone who loves to give and receive gifts, you’d think I’d be excited for Christmas. Instead, what I find, year after year, is that I’m increasingly overwhelmed and stressed by it all.

Maybe it’s my perfectionism- wanting to find the perfect, most incredibly thoughtful gift for everyone on my list, or maybe it’s my response to consumerism and pressure to buy more crap that we don’t need or maybe it’s just my tendency to want to do the opposite of what everyone else is doing (I’m a recovering enneagram 4) but the older I get the more I secretly wish I had lived in the era of Little Women. You know? When Christmas trees were decorated with cranberries and a box of oranges was an extravagant and exotic gift.

I long for a simpler time.

But, as my old friend Jenna reminded me the other day when she quoted Esther from the Bible, I was born for such a time as this. I guess I’m supposed to live in 2021 or else I wouldn’t be here. So until time machines are invented, I’ll just have to suck it up buttercup and find a way to embrace the era in which I live.

Which gave me an idea. What if I shared the next 25 gift giving days leading up to Christmas with some gifts I’ve already been given? Maybe if I take a little time this Christmas season to cherish the value and meaning behind the gifts so generously given to me, my Christmas spirit might be refreshed and my zeal restored.

Obviously I could do all this on my own privately, without making a blog post about it and sharing on social media, but I figured gratitude is always a good thing to put out into the world. Honestly, I think it was my Aunt Donnetta’s recent gratitude posts on Facebook that have inspired me to do this. So thanks Aunt Donnetta! You have reminded me that the little things are really the big things and we are all connected. I hope my little experiment will inspire and refresh all who choose to pay attention.

For the sake of time and imperfection, the photos are not beautifully, staged, editorial fashion photos. They are snapshots taken on my phone because this experiment is meant to help me refocus on the meaning rather than the appearance of things. I’d also like to add that these gifts and the people who gave them to me are not in any particular order of importance.

December 1: Topaz Birthstone Pendant Necklace

Today I’m wearing my birthday necklace and feeling empowered.

Mom gave me this lovely Topaz pendant just a few weeks ago for my birthday. My birthstone is November Topaz- normally a more gold color. She knows that I’ve never really liked my birthstone so she went out of her way to find a Topaz necklace (On Etsy of course) that was different enough that I might actually like it. She also picked a longer length chain because she knows I like to wear my necklaces long. Every time I see the necklace hanging on my wall on my handy necklace holder thingy, I feel seen and known.

Thanks mama! You helped me take back Topaz!

December 2: Random Mary Poppins Picture

My 13 year old niece, Nora, who lives in Tennessee, came across this vintage picture at a thrift store and thought of me so she bought it for me (well I’m pretty sure her mom bought it for me – thanks Aunt LiLi). I’m guessing  it was the vintage look of the frame and old feel of the portrait that made Nora think of me. Or else, maybe I’m more of a Mary Poppins than I realized 🙂

Either way, it makes me smile simply because it was so random and yet so perfect. See – even a 13 year old can spot my old soul! More proof I was born in the wrong era…

Thanks Nora you are one of a kind and it makes me happy to know you think of me when I’m not around and especially when you’re doing one of my favorite things… thrift shopping.

December 3: Jon Acuff Soundtracks Book

I asked Josh for this book for my birthday this year.  Even though Josh ordered it for me on Amazon, it feels more like a gift from myself (don’t worry- Josh will get his time to shine) because I could’ve asked for anything and he would’ve obliged. Just kidding, who the hell gets a brand new car for Christmas? Who are those commercials marketing to anyways? Seriously, we may live in Springboro but we’re still a couple of dirty hippies (ask all of David’s friends). Anyways, I’ve never asked for a book for my birthday. Here’s what I think it might mean:

1. I’m getting old and boring
2. I am either really smart or trying to get smart or most likely a combination of the two because smart people realize how not smart they really are and therefore are always trying to get smarter (see title of book)
3. I am too tired to think of something cooler (see reason 1)

Jokes aside, this book is really awesome and I have become sort of a Jon Acuff junkie. He makes me laugh out loud and I just relate so much to the way he (over) thinks. I really should give some of the credit to Jon Acuff ( sorry Aunt Donnetta) for this whole gift experiment as his teachings have really encouraged me to take risks and not overthink myself out of my random ideas. Here’s a few links to his stuff if you want to check him out:

Soundtracks book on Amazon

All it Takes is a Goal Podcast

Jon Acuff Instagram

December 4th: Biscuit Tin

I actually got this biscuit tin for my Nanny years ago for her birthday or Christmas maybe? I don’t remember exactly but I do know there were almond biscuit cookies inside of the tin because she liked that style of cookie. Back then I couldn’t appreciate why anyone would choose such a boring cookie- they tasted like cardboard to me and I couldn’t imagine Almond Windmills ever beating Oreos or Chips Ahoy in a grocery store aisle face-off but now I get it. Sometimes I too find myself wanting something sweet but not too sweet. Or just a sip of my kids coke. When they ask me, exasperated,

“Why don’t you just get your own pop mom?!” I hear my Nanny answer them back,

“Just a swaller, ’cause I just want a swaller.”

After Nanny died, I inherited her bedroom furniture, some jewelry and the biscuit tin I had given to her. I keep jewelry inside of it now and its been so long that it seems strange to me that it was ever used to hold cookies. Whenever I look at the tin I feel safe because that’s how I felt with my Nanny. Like the little girl on the tin who’s collecting seashells at the ocean. She could be in danger because she’s near a large body of water and probably doesn’t know how to swim, but looking at her, you know she’s safe because she’s so focused and oblivious. Clearly, someone is looking after her.

Maybe it’s because the tin belonged to her and now it belongs to me, but I think that the little girl on the tin is both me and my Nanny. We’re both being looked after. We’re both safe. And for me, more than anything else, that’s what being loved feels like.

December 5: Quarter Machine Ring

Josh sent me this plastic, quarter machine ring in the summer of 2005 with a note that read, “the next ring I give you will be much better.” He proposed a few weeks later and the rest is history. Now, 16 years and 3 kids later, this ring transports me back to that magical time when we were on the cusp of our lives together. We were kids back then… (For full affect, listen to Ben Rector’s Kids).

As I slide the ring on my finger and stretch my hand back for a good look, I am somewhat impressed- it actually looks pretty good for a quarter. I chuckle to myself because over the years, Josh has tried so hard to get me the perfect gift. I am not an easy woman to please and I’m not a fan of surprises so try as he may, he still hasn’t found what I’m looking for (my whole life is just a bunch of songs).

And yet, wearing this toy store token of a promise he made years ago, I wonder if the reason he can’t find me the perfect gift is because he already gave it to me: his heart.

It’s all I ever really wanted.

December 6: YouGlo Candle

My good friend Joan gave me this candle for my birthday. She bought it from her granddaughter, Tomi, who has her very own candle business. This year Tomi had a booth at the Christmas in Springboro Festival and of course, Joan was there all weekend to show her support.

Every time I light this candle and smell the scent of pine I just see Joan in her happy place, next to her granddaughter in a crowd of people, glowing with pride.

Today is Joan’s birthday and I’m making a wish that she gets all warm and lit up loved, that the light she so generously gives be reflected back onto her…bless you Joan.

December 7: Homemade Modge Podge Ornaments

A few years ago my two best friends both made me homemade modge podge ornaments for Christmas. The cool thing was that it was not planned- they each did it separately, without knowing the other was making me a homemade ornament. Coincidence? Maybe, but for me it felt like more.

Still, who cares right? What’s the big deal about some homemade ornaments? Well, the big deal is that these two best friends of mine were no longer talking to one another. I won’t go into the details for the sake of all involved but I will say this: what was once one large friend group became two small friend groups and I felt ripped in two.

I honestly still do.

But each year, when I decorate the Christmas tree, I get to hang up both their homemade ornaments, and I hang them side by side, because it’s my damn tree bitches! And I get to decorate it how I want.

And to me, it’s obvious they belong together…

December 8: My First Guitar

My first guitar was a gift from my stepdad Dale. I kind of forget exactly but I believe it was around my 16th birthday when he gave it to me. It was a shiny, starburst gray Ovation and I played it like it was nobody’s business. And by that I mean I played the two simple chords Dale taught me loudly, passionately and most of all, badly. As soon as I got those chords down, I wrote a song with them. I even remember the words: Demise, we cover our eyes and hide from the lies…under blue skies? Something super original like that. And thus began my songwriting journey. I took my shiny guitar with me everywhere and it became part of my identity.

The funny thing is, I’ve always credited my dad for my so-called my musical “talent.” He was a drummer and music lover so I just put two and two together. I figured music was our connection. Before my dad died, I played him some of the songs Josh and I were working on and he said Walk Away had real potential. After he died I inherited his drum set and record collection and for a while, I tried to connect with him through the vinyl but he wasn’t there. He was never there.

But my stepdad was. Dale was the one who gave me that guitar and taught me simple chords to play it. He was the one who came to my choir concerts and talent shows and coffee shops when I played. He even played drums with Josh and me a few times.

Crazy how it can take a lifetime to see what’s right in front of you. It wasn’t until I finally accepted the reality of who my dad would never be, that I could see who my stepdad had always been: present.

Thanks Dale, for the incredible gift…

December 9: Pink Flamingo Socks

My friend Stephanie gave me these socks a few months ago. She had bought them for me a long time ago and kept forgetting to give them to me. I’ve known Stephanie since the 7th grade. She was so shy and I was so loud, that it took us a long time to really get to know one another. These days I only see her a few times a year but I cherish the times I do. Stephanie is an incredibly thoughtful, creative and kind person. The reason she got me the pink flamingoes is because when I first started this blog back in 2011 I used a pink flamingo as part of the logo. The pink flamingo was a nod to Roy- you can read more about him here.

Of course, logos change like people do but Stephanie still reads my blog and comments often. She’s always encouraged me in my creative work and the socks are just another little reminder that she is still paying attention. Especially on days when my work feels like nothing more than a silly novelty, Stephanie’s pink flamingoes wink at me and say, so what? Novelty is fun!

Old friends are too.

Thanks Steph, for all the encouragement over the years! I appreciate your support.

December 10, 11, 12, 13: Refrigerator Wisdom

When I started this experiment 13 days ago, I didn’t think about how I was going to finish it. If I had, I probably would’ve never started. I mean, who really needs another thing to do in the days leading up to Christmas? The song ought to say “It’s the most busy time of year.”

This past weekend was full of holiday festivities and got ahead of me. I could’ve made time to write my daily posts but it would’ve been very stressful and likely, forced. Instead of throwing this project out completely, just for today I am opting to follow the refrigerator’s lead.

The refrigerator is messy and crowded but it’s full of goodness and grace. My life is too. I won’t wait for the perfect time to start and I won’t give up just ’cause I mess up.

I’m curious- what’s your refrigerator telling you?

December 14: Ship Necklace

Last Christmas David gave me this ship necklace. It was the first gift David ever gave me independently (Josh didn’t pay for it or take him to pick it out). It also felt like a sign from God. It had been a rough fall for us. David had started experimenting with drugs and things escalated pretty quickly. I won’t go into too many details (to protect his privacy) but I will say this: shit was scary.

I desperately needed God as I navigated those dark and murky waters. So I did what I do when I need to hear from God: I listened to new music on Spotify. When the song by Leon Bridges came on it was instantly added to my playlist. It’s called Like A Ship and you should definitely listen for full affect. The lyrics are long and it’s in that old time gospel call and response style so I’ll modify and just share a few lines:

Just like a ship without a sail 
I’m not worried ’cause I know 
I know we can take it
But I know we can shake it…

I listened to that song over and over last winter. I even played it for David and said, “See! We’re gonna make it, son!” He just looked at me.

When he gave me the necklace on Christmas morning I secretly put the two together- the song and the gift and I wore that ship like it had special powers. For me it was a symbol of hope and I wanted to believe that David giving it to me was somehow a message that he believed too.

It’s been a year, a rehab, and multiple drug tests later and David is doing much better. The necklace turned pink so I’m not wearing it anymore but of course I’ll probably keep it forever. Just the other day I was bugging David about buying me a Christmas gift this year because he has this fancy job where he gets paid good money for a 15- year old. Somehow the ship necklace was brought up. As I was telling him how much it meant to me, he told me offhandedly,

“Oh yeah I got that in a pack of necklaces at H&M. I didn’t want it so I gave it to you”

I have to laugh or else I’ll cry. What was extra for David was a lifeline for me. I guess it’s true that some people’s trash is other people’s treasure, but God will work with whatever He’s got. I thought I was holding onto hope for my son, and really, I was, but I was also doing something else. I was having faith.

Maybe faith is just a desperate and delusional, worrying mother. If so, she’s quite powerful.

Oh, we’re gon’ make it (we gonna make it)
We gon’, we gon’ make it (we gonna make it)
Hey, we gonna make it (we gonna make it)
Yeah, hey, hey (we gonna make it)…

December 15: Handwritten Note

Need I really say more? Sometimes the simplest instructions are the most helpful. I’m so grateful for my sweet Savannah who so generously gives encouragement…

December 17: Snake Hotel

Ok this one is cheating a little bit- technically Jenny, my mother in-law, gave Savannah the snake hotel, not me, but every time I walk by the glorious glass cage, I can’t help but think of Jenny and chuckle. Because Jenny is truly one of a kind. She’s an animal lover through and through. She has two bearded dragons, 2 small dogs and a crew of feral cats that she feeds on her back porch.

For Savannah’s 12th birthday this year, Jenny took Savannah to the pet store and bought her a Ball Python which Savannah named Mooshu. Mooshu has been growing- apparently they can get up to 8 feet and live as long as 30 years, fun facts I can add to my ‘wish I would’ve known before I said yes’ list. He/She/They (it’s practically impossible to figure out a snake’s gender) needed a new cage. Jenny just happened to have an extra stored in her garage.

I’m so incredibly grateful for Jenny and all the random gifts she gives to our family. If ever you’re driving down the road and you see a pink haired lady blasting Christian rap music in a black Hyundai while holding an adorable french bulldog in her lap make sure you wave. Jenny knows no strangers and if you need something, anything at all, it’s very likely she has one and will bring it right on over…

December 18: Journal with Purple Heart Plant

My friend Steph- not pink flamingo Steph- gave me this Purple Heart plant and journal with a handwritten message sometime after Bobby died:

“The purple heart is given when being wounded or killed in any action against an enemy of the United States or as a result of an act of any such enemy or opposing armed force.” I’m giving you this plant to signify the loss you are feeling- the battle you and your family is fighting. I’m here for you. I love you. Love, Steph

Like the other Stephanie, this Stephanie is also very thoughtful and deep. She has given me many personal and poetic gifts over the years. It’s been a while, but we used to send each other snail mail pretty regularly. We both share the love of art, journaling, reading and are suckers for a good quote.

Unlike me, Stephanie is a private person (she probably hates the attention I’m giving her right now) and is not easy to get to know. She has a small circle of trust but once you’re in her circle, you’re in for life. She’s a Mama Bear or maybe more accurately, an Alpha Wolf. The other day my friends and I cracked up as Steph shared a quirky parenting moment with us. Her oldest teenaged son was giving her crap and she got angry, bared her teeth at him and said, “Pretend I’m a wolf right now.” She was dead serious.

Steph is my kind of crazy. She’s one of the bravest people I know and I’m so grateful she’s got my back.

Thanks for the gift Steph- the Purple Heart plant is both beautiful and strong. It’s also one of the easiest to propagate…

December 19: Jonah’s Gift

Not only am I impressed by Jonah’s natural ability to play the piano beautifully (we credit his giant sausage fingers), I am happy for the music that fills our home. I told him, “Jonah, you are the soundtrack of our days.” Today he played his first “official” recital on stage and of course I was a proud mama.

Jonah not only loves to play, he loves to perform. He wants to share his gift with everyone! His passion has been both delightful and healing for me.

Somewhere along the way I picked up shame for wanting to perform, for wanting to sing and be in the spotlight. I have been accused of showing off and to be sure- the accusers were right! But every time I hear Jonah play the shame shrinks a little further back into the shadows where it belongs.

Surely Jonah has been given a gift and when I hear him show it off I am not offended, annoyed or begrudged.

I simply receive it with a grateful heart. Thanks for your generosity Jonah…

December 21: Little Ditty

Speaking of showing off…I figured the only way to follow up that last post is to share my gift as generously as Jonah. Here’s a short, little ditty I came up with recently. It’s called Windowpane and Josh said the end sounds like a song for a sitcom…

December 22: Walt Whitman Quote

I saw this quote last year at an antique mall in Hocking Hills and took a picture. Technically it’s not a gift but if you’ve been following along, you’ve probably noticed I’m not very technical. I’m also not keeping up with this experiment as consistently as I wanted. I’ve missed a few days and quite honestly, I’m feeling the pressure.

The problem is that there are just too many gifts and not enough time. Too many people I want to thank for their generosity and outpouring into my life. Old and new friends, cousins and faraway family, sisters-in-laws, step-father-in-laws, big and little brothers and even strangers who have given me some shred of hope and comfort along the way. There’s just too many people and not enough time.

It’s a good problem to have.

I’ve only got a few days left so I won’t be able to thank all of you personally, but I figured I might be able to cover my bases with Walt’s words: We were together, I forget the rest. 

I set out with a goal of rediscovering my Christmas gift giving zeal but have come away with so much more. The stuff doesn’t matter- it’s the people that do. Everything tangible is really just a symbol of that which is intangible- powerful and dangerous ideas such as faith, hope and the greatest of all, love.

I love all of you. God only knows what I’d be without you…(you know what to do)

December 23: Prayer Box

Bobby gave me this prayer box for Christmas in 2016- the last Christmas he was on earth. It is the only sentimental gift I can remember him ever giving me. Usually he gave me very practical gifts like long underwear or pack of socks so I was very surprised when I opened it. It meant a lot to me then and you can imagine what it means to me now.

In this past 4 years I’ve filled the box with tiny folded pieces of handwritten prayers. Some prayers have been answered- protection for mom, Jacob to be found and a miracle (my nephew Dylan is a walking one). Some prayers are still being worked out- Bobby’s boys to have life and truth, Lisa and Stacy to go to jail, and Sterling to get life in prison. And then there’s the one prayer I’ll probably continue to ask (my brother) for, for the rest of my life…

Thanks for the incredibly thoughtful gift Bobby. I have to wonder, did you know how much I would need it?

December 24: Grief’s Gift

I found this journal entry I had written on Christmas Eve right after Bobby was killed. Our family was raw with pain- the holidays were simply unbearable. I’m grateful for my mother who honored her grief and taught me to honor mine.

If you are a grieving today- if this is your first Christmas without your loved one- then there is probably nothing I can say that will make you feel better. But that’s ok- because you don’t need to feel better. You don’t need to cheer up or just have faith or focus on gratitude. You don’t need to have a Merry Christmas. You need to grieve.

Because to grieve is to love. And like mom said, love is the only thing that lasts.

I love all of you and I wish you everlasting joy and eternal peace this Christmas Eve.

December 25: The Greatest Gift of All

Well the day has finally come- Merry Christmas! We’ve opened our presents, eaten our cinnamon rolls, spent all day in our pjs and went to the movies. Josh and I even got into a little Christmas fight! I am grateful for all the ways we get to celebrate the Holidays and I appreciate the many gifts I’ve been given (even the ones I’m returning).

But as the day comes to an end, and the night and neighborhood begins to sparkle with stars and Christmas lights, I find something sacred in the quiet hush of it all- I find a silent night, a holy night. I find the greatest gift of all…

Read more musings