Yesterday makes 2 years since Bobby was taken from us. So much has changed and yet the most important thing has not- Bobby is still gone.

Last year our family (even the dogs) met together at his grave with gifts, a poem and a song.

This year, we tried something different. We gave each other space to grieve privately, and in our own ways. I talked to my sister in law and she told me that she was going to plant butterfly bushes. Bobby’s wife shared a gratitude post on Facebook with pictures and video of Bobby that made me laugh and cry. My mom and stepdad sat out on their deck (where they had been the moment he was killed) and were suddenly and supernaturally surrounded by butterflies and birds. I wanted to do something special too but my mind drew blanks.

So instead I went ahead and gave myself permission to make it through the day. I did some schoolwork, ran errands, took Jonah to soccer practice and went to David’s 8th grade open house. But the busyness of the day just sort of broke my heart.

Life goes on and it feels incredibly unfair and I am ridden with survivor guilt and doubt. It’s been 2 years and I’m still asking the same questions over and over again.

How can he be gone?

Where did he go?

 How can we go on without him?

Maybe the reason I still can’t accept that he’s gone is because it’s simply not true. Maybe he’s rooted right in the middle of our lives, much like the tiny oak tree I planted for him which sits right in the middle of the park where the kids play soccer.

Reminding me that hope grows wherever it is planted.

And we can still experience joy and life because Bobby is experiencing joy and life too.

Maybe I’m trying to find some silver lining that will ease my pain or maybe I’m just blowing hot air!

But heroes aren’t born out of intellect, science or reasoning.

They are formed out of the courage and bravery it takes to have faith.